To My Friend

We weren't together long, but I came to care for you. You came in with respiratory distress, and you got worse by the day. I helped you out the other week, and six days later, when I was your actual nurse, you remembered my name. You joked and flirted. Told me Viagra was more than just for pulmonary hypertension. You told me stories from your youth, your short career in the Air Force. How you were screwed by those good ol' boy bastards. You told me your wife of 24 years, and how she had died 14 years before. She was the love of your life. Now you had a new girlfriend 20 years your junior, but your wife was always going to be the one.
I sat on your bed with you and held your hand when I saw tears well up in your eyes, after I told you that you weren't going to get better. You looked right at me and said, "I'm dying Lisa, I am going to die." I nodded, and we cried together, our heads on each others shoulders.

I was able to be with you for three more days after that. I called every morning before work to reserve you for the day. Your eyes would brighten when I walked into the room, you would tell me that you dreampt of me the night before. "Shut up old man, you're embarrassing me!" I would say. But I grinned; this was all that you had right now. I sent a pretty nurse in to talk to you, to make you smile. She loved to be there for you.

I called Palliative care and social work for you. They came and got you signed up for hospice. You talked about going home, but we knew that wouldn't happen so you resigned to finishing out your days in a nursing home. Maybe a year you said, but we all knew your time was much shorter. I sat with you again, and held your hand.

One week ago, I was leaving for a long weekend. You had transfer orders out of the ICU. We couldn't do anything more for you. You were chipper, and asked me to come visit you. "Of course I will" I said. I kissed his cheek and hugged him for a long time.

I was giving report that night, and you were shaving. I got you set up with a hot basin of water, shaving cream, razor, and towel. I sat with the night nurse and started my update. You had visitors at the main door and I invited them in. I looked at the monitor, and your oxygen sats were very low. I went into the room and saw you. You had taken off your oxygen to shave and had passed out when it got too low. You looked peaceful. But you had visitors, and I couldn't look bad. I ran over, put your mask on, smacked your cheek and told you to wake up. You awoke with a start; confused, but easily reoriented. You had a lovely visit with your neighbors, and then I had to go home.

I kissed you one last time, walked to my car, and drove away. I thought of you over the weekend. I wondered if you were able to get out of the ICU, and sit and talk with other old dying men. Talk about dreams, and love, and share memories forgotten until then.

I looked you up this morning. You had left the ICU the next morning after I had left, and you died that night. You were found with your oxygen off, unresponsive, without a heartbeat. You had decided against resuscitation and intubation, so you were let go. I wish I could have visited you one last time. Seen the light in your eyes. Let you know that you weren't alone, and most of all, that you touched my heart.It was a peaceful death. I know that you just fell asleep, and felt no pain. That is a lovely blessing, and I am glad that you didn't have anxiety or fear.

Safe journey my friend. I hope you are in the arms of your sweet lady, and you will never have to leave her again. I will think of you with great fondness and smile when you come into my thoughts. You help me strive to be better every day, and to be present when it really matters.