the power of now

0700
Me:'I hope I get someone super sick today...God, is that wrong?'
Husband:'No. But it's weird.'

Anyone who really knows me understands that myself and my family have been having a rough year or so. Tragic events, coupled with strained relationships, have made me very close to the self-help section at Barnes and Noble. It is a startling event when you realize that whenever you go to the library (after your therapy session), you are consistently drawn toward books about spiritual enlightenment, comfort food, and hot, teenage vampires. Anyway, my point is, that yes, I have had some Lifetime Channel moments, and I am pulling myself through, one trip to the bookstore, and one blog entry, at a time.

Along my journey of self reflection, I found the pinnacle of modern spiritual growth, Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now. The point to this book is pretty simple and is not rocket science (Monica), but easily missed in our daily rat race. He says people in American society don't focus on the present, and instead, dwell on the past, or think about the future. He writes that the mind evolved as a helpful mechanism for humans to develop strategy, and assisted us in ultimate survival; but has since taken over. We think of our minds as our self, when really, many of the thoughts are crap repetitive tapes cycling through our head. This rang true for me in some ways, and I started to make an effort to sweep away nonessential thoughts, and to think of my mind as a tool, not as my true self. (My mind likes to talk a bunch of bullshit, and so do I in daily conversation)(ask anyone)

Being in the now takes the effort to quiet the mind, and just be aware of where you are. A section of the book mentioned that in emergencies, you have to be completely present, and that your mind is useful to get you through the event, but it doesn't throw out a lot of it's regular rambling. This struck me as I read. I realized that one of the reasons I like working in the ICU, is that I have to be present and in the now most of the time. I do well in that now. I like to call ahead to get challenging patients, and I want to fill my day running to catch up. Sometimes it can be overwhelming, and I don't need the action everyday, but I love that feeling. I am strong and useful, and am becoming expert at anticipation and reaction. I feel empowered when my movements are instinctual and correct: drugs, ACLS stuff, airway patency, arrhythmia's, knowing how to look calm in front of families. I feel at home with this self. When I was at the bookstore looking for meditational insight, I did not realize that I had already carved a niche at work where I did have some sense of self and inner peace. (You just have to ignore the blood, shit, and festering wounds - then, voila! - Nirvana)

In real life, I am still working on trying to swim through the constant chatter of shoulds, needs, wants, and all of the baggage that goes on in family life. Finding those quiet moments with kids as enthralling as my day job. Loving my kitchen again, really smelling and seeing the soil as I turn it over in the garden. Finding joy in the little things that don't involve gore and vasopressors. These are things I am working on.