Hey world, I just wiped your grandpa's ass, are we cool now?

I have many moral dilemmas. I am constantly trying to find the balance between good and good enough. I feel obligated to do many unselfish social deeds, but then I think to myself; "Christ, don't I do enough?". You all know dear readers, that I usually give 100% of myself at my job. I serve mankind everyday. I understand that most jobs are serviceish and that they indeed benefit society as a whole. Teachers, doctors, garbage collectors, waiting tables for rich jerks, and countless other areas of employment, are all jobs that require you to put aside personal distastes and get the work done. Many times these employees will require deep breaths and personal time outs, in order to keep the patience one needs to be nurturing and understanding with the people you are supposed to be caring for. Being a nurse who really tries to be present and deliver the best care means I have to get downright intimate with my fellow man. I put on a smile and clean crap, listen to someone scream for Jesus all day, wash genitals, rinse festering, stinking wounds, work to fight for the best plan of care for my patient, and seriously - save lives. I ask you world: Is this enough? Should I feel obligated to volunteer and put forth community service during my days off?

This is totally a selfish question. I know in the pit of my gut that, yes Lisa, you dumbass, you get paid to do your job and since you are even having this moral questioning, you know that you should be giving more. But, I also know that most people don't even have this question on their radar, and they don't give to their fellow man the way I do! What makes some people give so much, and others don't even think about it? When I was younger, I had two goals: To be able to go anywhere and "make it"; meaning survive, find a niche, succeed anywhere in the world. The second, inspired by John Irving: "To be of use". I really believe(d) that to contribute things to this world for a greater good, is the most profound thing a person can do with their life. When I made these goals when I was 19, I had no idea that I would get into nursing. Years later, after I had been working as a nurse for a couple years, I revisited my long forgotten goals, and realized that I had made both of them a reality. What an epiphany! "How clever I am." I thought. But, as I patted myself on the back, I also had a deeper question, is this enough?

There are two sides to my thinking about this query. The selfish reaction: "Why should I donate to the leukemia foundation? I'm already the kidney failure/liver failure/cancer care/putrid leg ulcer turned septic foundation! No one donates to me!" Then the rational, compassionate side says that of course I am obligated to help others every day, using my time on this earth to really count for something is the most important thing.

Now, I don't want to give anyone the idea that I am actually an actual volunteer or anything, I show up for an hour at my kids school a few times a year, and donate to the Salvation Army a buck or two during the holidays. I am really saying that I would like to like to volunteer, just like I would like to like to be more artistic. So really this back and forth is that indeed I do want to do more, despite my knowledge that indeed I do serve people in a great way during my work week but obviously it isn't enough for me. I guess that by putting these words into written form, I will begin to make this a reality, no matter how much I may scream and kick on the way. Consider it a resolution, along with: cooking more Indian food, not screaming at my kids so much, going to the gym more than once a month, and yes, being more artistic.

I will do a volunteer update at the end of the year - (no commitments though...I might change my mind).